I usually don’t like to write posts pertaining to specific holidays, special occasions, etc., because I know I’ll never be able to post them all and then I’ll develop a complex about the blog not being ‘complete’ and that will lead to posting for the sake of posting… It’s a vicious ridiculous cycle.

Anyway, I decided to throw caution to the wind and record some thoughts that need to be said while people are around to enjoy it. It’s really that simple.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about Mother’s Day, primarily because I have mixed memories of Mother’s Day past. Like the time we had a horrible dinner at KFC because Dad made a desperate attempt to make the day easy for mom by not having her cook, but instead we all ended up herding around disgusting buffet food with folks that may or may not have showered in a few days. Bless his heart, he tried. And to his credit, there aren’t that many restaurants in Glasgow to choose from. Then there were beautiful Mother’s Days when we visited Granny Rose (when she was still well) and ate at the lake and enjoyed each other’s company and gifts didn’t matter and I was still the baby of the family. Those times are precious to me.

Then there’s the Mother’s Days I’ve had as an adult that I avoided the day like the plague because I still was waiting to be a momma myself. I did my best to celebrate my momma, but I avoided church and my heart still longed and ached to be blessed by motherhood. Redemption came – briefly though. The Mother’s Day when I was pregnant was wonderful, but last year (my first real Mother’s Day I suppose) was not at all what I anticipated, largely because I was in the throes of a deep, hidden depression. All I remember was how unhappy I was with the outfit I chose, how fat I felt, and how irritated I was that Elly wouldn’t nap. Not the pleasant memory of my first Mother’s Day I had once longed for.

But that’s life. Sometimes it’s not what we make it in our minds, and goodness knows I’m eternally guilty of making THAT mistake time and time again. So either good or bad, by whatever standards you choose, Mother’s Day is what you make it. I agree with the principle of celebrating mothers and recognizing the selfless sacrifice mothers make every day, but it’s really in the little moments of motherhood by nature that make being a mother special.

I gained a whole new life perspective when I became a momma, but over the last year, that perspective was broadened greatly as I watched my momma take on a role for my dad that has amazed me. She’s had to step in as a nurse, a 24-hour caretaker, and life manager for my dad as he has gone through this transplant experience. It was around Mother’s Day last year that mom really started to show concern for dad’s “liver numbers,” but none of us had ANY idea what was to come. It didn’t matter, and without warning or training, she took on her new roles with relative ease. Sonny and I often talk (and pray) about mom and the amazing job she does taking care of dad because if the task was left up to us, we’d basically be clueless. I could go on and on, but I think the best thing I can say is that one of the most memorable examples of unconditional love will not only come from all she’s done for me as a momma, but what she continues to do every single day to hold our family together – to literally keep us alive. She deserves so much, but I honestly don’t know how to pay her any bigger compliment than to say that I will live trying to forever honor that example.

I have to share one last thing. A few months ago, a song written by Natalie Grant called “When I Leave the Room” circulated on Facebook and caused mass bawling among mothers everywhere. (Really, it’s beautiful.) This song touched me as well because when I leave Elly’s room at night, there is no going back to check on her or stepping in to watch her sleep – the child can sleep through a hellacious thunderstorm but if you so much as crack her door open, she’s wide awake, screaming to be picked up. So when I leave her, it’s usually for the night, so I of course could certainly relate. But the last verse is when I lost my marbles. I can’t share the video or sound on here, but here’s the lyrics.

“When I Leave The Room”
Good night
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs
And I know that we’re okay

Sleep tight
I love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees I’ll stay

Good night
Five little fingers holding mine
Take flight
Into your dreams and lullabies

There’s nothing more that I can do
But just fall more in love with you
And ask the angel armies to stand by
When I leave the room

I’m gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat

You’ll have a seat in the front row
Of everything I don’t know
And all I’m trying to be
You’ll see

Good night
There will be storms that we come through
In time
We will slay dragons me and you

I’ll always wanna hold you tight
Keep you safe with all my might
So I will leave Jesus next to you
When I leave the room

And you will run ahead
As if you know the way
And I will pray more
Then one should have to pray

There will be words we can’t take back
Silences too
And I’ll be on my knees
You’ll see

One night
When I am old and unsteady
You’ll want me to fight
But I’ll tell you that I’m ready

When there’s nothing left to do
I will still be loving you
Then you’ll fold your fingers into mine
And I will let Jesus hold you tight
When I leave the room

So Happy Mother’s Day to ALL mommas, mommas past, and mommas yet to be. You’re all in my heart.

I have no real affinity for Star Wars, but I love that this title has become a little meme of its own in the last few years. And to make it even better, Jimmy Fallon did this:

Awesome.

So it’s May. FINALLY, it’s MAY. I’m sad I didn’t post in April, but I think that just goes to show the busyness (and maybe some of the laziness) that April saw. The weather could not make up its mind in April, thus neither could my body’s perception of whether or not it was time to be productive, so I partially blame that. Nonetheless, April saw many good things including Kentucky making it to the championship round of the NCAA (which NO ONE honestly thought could happen), Easter festivities, and lots and lots of family time. Again, my remorse for not posting about each individual item is palpable, but so it goes. And now it’s May.

I first must update those pondering – DAD IS DOING FANTASTIC. Seriously. It baffles and humbles me to look at him, laugh with and talk to him, see him relish time with his baby granddaughter, and watch his marked recovery every single day. Yes, he still has good days and bad days and yes, there is ALWAYS the possibility for setbacks and surprises, but for now, and especially after the scare we had at the end of March, he is doing phenomenally well. When Elly was born I kept telling people I didn’t know how to be thankful enough to God for such a miracle and the same is true with Dad. It’s unbelievable. Come what may, this journey with him has developed a faith in all of us that we never knew could exist. We see God in small, seemingly menial things now and are more consistently thankful. I know everyone does not get to experience such miracles, and for them, my heart truly breaks. But if any consolation can come, let it be that we don’t take any moment for granted and we know without any doubt who is the Giver of all things good.

Speaking of good, “times” for us now have been so comparatively good that it almost makes me a little uncomfortable, if that even makes sense. I sent a text to Amy the other day that said that I needed to be more disciplined with the activities of my days, that now that we’re not living in constant survival mode now that I’m having to learn how to do things differently. She responded, “have you forgotten how to breathe?”

Yep. Pretty much. I’ve (we’ve) spent the better part of 5 years now surviving some pretty difficult circumstances and basically holding our breaths waiting for the next blow. I wish I could tell you that I don’t fear the next blows anymore because of a rock-solid faith, but sometimes I do still catch myself wanting to hold my breath because we actually have gone a little stint of time now without any significant ‘blows’ (KNOCK ON WOOD.) I have to remind myself that if anything, worse case scenario, God got us through before, he’ll get us through again. The strength to even say that is growth for me, but I still have a lot of learning to fully trust, wholly depend on, and actually develop that rock-solid faith I long for. I’m pretty sure that takes a lifetime though, so I’m ok that I’m just making steps toward that goal. Even if they’re baby steps.

So I’ll leave you this fabulous fourth day of May with some pictures from April (to prove the month actually existed!)

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