Well, I clearly  faintly do blog. I mean, I have a blog, so that’s something I suppose. But since any chance of ever actually being a blogger (other than doing some cathartic writing for me, myself, and I) flies out the window at the mere mention that I have a blog, I thought I might take a second to explain why I have a blog, but don’t blog.

1, I’m not disciplined.

Let’s call a spade a spade – I’m nothing if not undisciplined. This soaks into more areas of my life than I care to mention, but it’s probably most obvious in my role as a “blogger.” It’s a good thing I’m not getting paid to be consistent because I would be broke by now.

2, I have a toddler.

I know, I know. There are billions upon trillions of blogs out there that are run by moms – moms of a zillion children, single moms, working moms, blah blah blah. Having a child brings daily change. DAILY. I don’t do well with change to begin with, so trying to be consistent in something amidst constant change is just plain impossible sometimes. Especially when you’re me.

3, I have a love/hate relationship with my own writing.

I have what, 10 posts on here now since February? (Pretty good, in my book, ha!) But the real number of posts I have is about 35. I have tons of drafts that never get published because when I do actually sit down to write, it’s usually during nap time or before bed – fleeting amounts of time at best – so I leave them in draft form to come back to later to edit, tweak, etc. By the time I go back and reread most of the posts, I decide they’re too dumb, too cheesy, too long, too boring, too fill-in-the-blank and I never post them. This may be my biggest hang-up when it comes to blogging now that I think about it. I write when I’m passionate about something – IF I get the chance to write about it at all – and if the moment I was passionate about it passes, the ship is sunk. Whatever was so profound for me to actually sit down and take the time to write about has lost its luster and could likely remain in “draft-dom” forever.

4, There are so many other blogs that people are interested in, why bother?

Here’s where insecurity gets me. I read several blogs – probably only a small sampling of all that’s out there, but enough that I get my fill and mostly stay inspired to continue to make an attempt at it myself. But there are some blogs that I HATE. I mean, despise. Blogs, like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram (you get it) are a perfect way for people to become everything they’re not. Lying takes on a new, fashionable form as people ‘market’ themselves in their own little corner of the web. I can’t stand facades and don’t want to be part of a crowd that thrives on such. Life is actually perfect. When you’re a liar.

5, Most of what I write about would come across as extremely depressing because I write when I’m down.

Truth be told, my drive to write usually comes out of emotion, and often that emotion is not a happy place. This makes it very difficult to write with any sort of confidence because I don’t want to come across as whiny poor-pitiful-me, but sometimes writing is the only way to get whatever is dragging me down off my shoulders enough to see through it. I also feel obligated that if I’m sharing the negative that I need to share the positive too and I’m usually too busy enjoying the positive to sit down and write about just how wonderful something is. See the conundrum? No? Just me?

6, Current events are fleeting.

…and my feelings about them only seem relevant for a brief time. By the time I actually get around to writing about something current, it’s old news. Sure, I could join a chorus about the royal baby, about the latest celeb gossip, about the latest tragedy, and from time to time I have. But looking back, if someone were to read them today and hadn’t followed the story when it occurred, they would be totally confused as to why I was writing about a chick on the Bachelor who is old news now. I’m not a news reporter, people.

7, Procrastination and perfectionism are my worst enemies.

(I think this needs little explanation and has basically been summed up in points 1-6.) But it’s true. Look up the word “disaster” in the dictionary and it will say something along the lines of “wait a long time to do something, then try to make it perfect.” I should heed some good advice I read once – that doing something good is better than doing nothing perfectly.

8, I’m not “typical” in my blogging style.

Unless you count how horribly inconsistent I am – that does actually seem to be a trend among “bloggers.” But aside from that, I don’t have a purpose, a mission for my blog. It’s a place for me to write. That’s about it. Centralizing my blog on one particular thing is too daunting for me, so it’s not like a “cooking” blog or a “crafting” blog. Yes, I like to do those things and would sometimes like to share those things, BUT, limiting myself to ONLY those things is way too confining. Makes me nervous. I’m also horrible at posting pictures. (And even if I wasn’t horrible at posting pictures, I would have some concerns about sharing pictures anyway.) So that leaves very little reason for interest-garnering topics for this blog. “Hi, I’m Cissy. I have thoughts.” Not so interesting.

9, I write for an audience…that doesn’t exist.

Regardless of how hard I try to just write my thoughts – incoherent words, jumbled thoughts, long-winded prose – I still always “edit” trying to make my thoughts viable for someone else’s reading eyes. That’s missing the whole point of a blog if you think about it. I blame high school English for this rule that was beaten into me. “Write as if you know someone is reading…” Well, no one’s reading, so I can do whatever I want, right?

10, I have way too much self-doubt and self-promotion is not my forte.

I couldn’t sell water to a well. I’m not going to force-post my entries all over the place. I just want it to be what it will be and leave it at that. And then I wonder why I don’t have any readers. Or why I have a blog in the first place if I don’t have any readers. It’s a vicious cycle.

Nevertheless, here I am, typing away into oblivion. And I say all of this to say that I do plan on posting all of those “drafts” one day. Some of them are going to be worth the read. Others, well, there’s probably dumber things to read on the internet, so just be glad you supported a self-conscious half-blogger with your time.