So, I haven’t been able to think straight for about a month now. Maybe longer. I truthfully thought it was just part of being a new mom. (Can I still have the title “new mom” now that she’s over 6 months old?) I had convinced myself that I was just not feeling well with all the changes we recently dealt with and suffering through this half-winter we’ve had. Not to mention I managed to give myself a vicious cold after irritating my nose from disinfecting everything with bleach water. Read: I made myself sick trying to prevent illness. It’s a gift.
Anyway, in the midst of all my justifying, I realized: I’m 32 years old. I shouldn’t feel like I’m 92.
Talking with Michael one night, I recalled that I’ve cried going to bed every night for the past several weeks just because I “felt bad.” Achy. Not flu achy, just achy. I actually physically hurt. Pain medicine was useless. The pain hadn’t gotten better – it actually may have been getting worse. I realized I have had ZERO energy and was staying so tired despite the blessing of a baby who sleeps all night. But I had no explanation why any of this was happening.
I must be going crazy.
Then I started having dizzy spells that made me feel like I spent all day on the teacup ride at Disneyworld. Taking care of Elly became a real chore – trekking up and down the stairs with her was taxing. I started losing things, forgetting if I had paid bills, getting confused easily – none of which is normal for Mrs. Type A. It all started to weigh me down not only physically, but mentally too. I was more depressed than I could remember being in a long time. I was so frustrated and disheartened – despite everything I was trying to do, nothing helped.
I continued my justification that I was crazy because there was nothing specific I could go to a doctor and say, “this is what is wrong – fix THIS.” With no definitive symptoms, I could just imagine that I would get the same response from doctors that I’m used to getting which is a shaking head and shrugged shoulders. I didn’t want to face that again.
And then I blacked out.
So, a couple of doctor visits later (forced to go with no choice at this point) I’ve been told I’m severely anemic. An answer! And hopefully something to treat that will make me feel better.
So I’m not crazy?
Thankful and relieved that my physical symptoms were real and not something I was causing, I could immediately think clearer – and start praying like a madwoman because this year hasn’t had the best start.
I’m hoping that the less-than-desirable happenings (a rash of migraines, dad being in the hospital for 11 days, Michael’s erratic work schedule, and now this surprising diagnosis) of the last two months are not the standard for 2013, and that with the turn of a month tomorrow, maybe even the turn of the seasons on the 20th, that things will begin to bloom happy for us. We need some good news this month, some answers to a four year battle. I’m praying that the “sun shines brightest after the storm” cliche holds true for us. I need some bright, bright sun.
And maybe I can get through this month without convincing myself I am in fact crazy.